Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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