he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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