Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
