Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
