mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
