Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.