They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.