Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad