I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
