Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
