with your own penis?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
