Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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