Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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