Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
