i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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