I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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