your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
