I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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