she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
