you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What changed your mind?
Being sober
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I touched a dick in church today
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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