Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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