This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
