We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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