Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
