yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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