someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
