my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
