We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
