i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
