is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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