Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
