Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
