Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
