You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
