singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
