Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
