if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
