I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The air was thick with penises
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
