Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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