So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
