I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
