So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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