haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
