i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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