just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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