If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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