Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
