I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
