Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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