My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize