And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
