census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I checked into jail on foursquare
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
