Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
