Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
